Let Your Son Leave and Cleave…
Have you noticed your mothering shifting as your children grow up, move out, and start building homes of their own?
It’s both glorious and gratifying—a natural transition that invites us to loosen our grip and trust that the same God who guided us will now guide them.
That truth became very real for me in one whirlwind year when three of my sons got married. A year later, my daughter did too.
And that’s when I realized something important: a son getting married is very different from a daughter getting married.
I’ve learned a few things along the way, and I’d love to share them with you.
When a man leaves his mother and father, he cleaves to his wife—and we, as the mothers and fathers of that young man, must allow the cleaving to happen.
Cleave is a funny word. It’s what’s called a contronym—a word that means two opposite things. On one hand, it can mean to split apart with force—think “meat cleaver.” On the other, it means to cling tightly, to unite in deep, intentional loyalty. (You can take the woman out of the English classroom, but apparently not the English classroom out of the woman.)
And here’s the truth: that kind of intentional loyalty? It can’t happen with Mama Lori popping in every dang day with a casserole and an opinion.
This is the way one of my Life Mentors has helped me understand my role (thank you, Barb Pianalto): each one of my sons is amazing. He CHOSE that particular young woman to be his mate for life. As such, she is not only the heart of my son, but she is the heart of the new home.
The cool part of this: that young woman was raised in a home that was different from the one that my son was raised in. And as such, she brings in a whole new way of thinking, ordering, doing.
And honestly? That’s glorious.
It is not my job to correct or comment. It is my role to support and enjoy.
Maybe you’re thinking, That all sounds lovely, Lori, but my daughter-in-law doesn’t really get our ways.
Honey, they’re not our ways anymore—they’re their ways.
Let him go.
He chose her. They’ll figure it out.
Support. Encourage. Love. Enjoy.
Now, my daughter getting married? That’s a surprisingly different experience.
Rachel has her own way of doing life—habits and nuances formed in our home over eighteen years. She brings that way into her marriage. As the heart of her new home, she lives, loves, acts, and reacts from a place I know well.
It’s familiar territory.
My sons’ homes are new territory—places I get to visit and enjoy as a guest.
My sons have left me, and they’re learning alongside their amazing wives. Does it look different? Of course! Their mothers taught them differently!! And that’s a good thing.
Will they make mistakes? Of course. And they’ll figure it out, just as I did. (I’m still figuring things out, to be honest.)
Are there times that I need to guide and direct? Hmm….as an older woman, I have more experience in child rearing and such. So if there is a trick that I can teach so their lives will be easier, I should absolutely share that, especially if asked for guidance.
What I refuse to do is interfere with their marriage.
He chose her. He chose wisely. It’s my job to love and support my amazing daughters-in-law. And yes, they are amazing.
Another important piece of this puzzle: never talk about family members negatively. Ever. Give them grace. Always.
Satan loves to divide, and he will tempt you to replay what that one said, or what that one did. You are the matriarch. You are the wise one at the top of the heap.
Set the tone. Love them all—unconditionally.
Will there be times that you disagree with something? Perhaps. And then you get to pray and discern whether it is big enough to address.
There have been moments I needed to set boundaries, not out of control but out of health.
For example: I noticed that when the grandchildren left, my living spaces often looked like a tornado had hit. So I simply said, “Before you go, please have the kids help pick up their toys. I’d love everything tidied before you leave.”
It wasn’t harsh—it was loving, clear, and respectful.
So if something is making you a bit bonkers, speak the truth in love.
We are now matriarchs.
What a glorious time of life! We get to step back, watch love grow in newly tilled soil, and remember that God is doing something wonderful in the homes and lives our children are building.
And may they continue to have many babies, because as some of you already know, grandchildren are the jewels in our crown as matriarchs.
If You Want More…
As matriarchs, our call is to keep growing—body, mind, and soul. Here are a few ways I can walk with you:
To grow strong: Join my 21-Day Reset beginning November 3. We’ll build strength from the inside out—habits that truly change everything.
To find food freedom: Watch my YouTube series, where I explore what’s really going on in the brain when food feels like a battle.
To strengthen families: Many of you already know and love The Parenting Dare Course. I’ve now created a bundle option for schools, parishes, and parent groups—a beautiful way to help families grow together in love and truth. If that sounds like a fit for your community, reach out at loridoerneman@gmail.com.